adding sass to life



it’s for my elbow, i swear

April 22, 2009

This morning I went to the dermatologist because I found this funky looking mole on my scalp and instead of having panic attacks, nightmares, and daydreams of this mole eating my brain I decided to go get it checked out.  I have realized that I am somewhat of a hypochondriac, not clinically diagnosed but close.  The day after I found my mole and a friend told me that, “It looks bad, very bad,” I also realized that I felt dizzy, had a headache, felt nauseous and disoriented.  I thought I was doomed.  But a miracle happened today, when the Dr. told me that it was a little abnormal but nothing to worry about, I was cured!  The dizziness-gone.  Headache-gone.  Nausea-gone.  Hallelujah!  

While I was having the full body scan today, the Dr. noticed something that I am very embarrassed about.  

WARTS.  Bleck.  Gag.  Gross.  

I’ve had 2 on my elbow since my sophomore year of high school and I have done everything to remove them, except for cut them off myself.  I’ve had them frozen, I’ve had them sliced off, they’ve used a laser and those little suckers just keep on growing back.  I am sure you all wanted to know this nasty little secret about me.  

The Dr. told me that she had a cure for me.  What???  The second miracle of the day!  She proceeded to write me a prescription for me and handed me a sample of this magic cream.  

*Used  to treat genital and perianal warts in people 12 years or older*

Me:  “Ummm, excuse me, Dr. my warts aren’t in my lady area.  They are on my elbow.  And what 12 year old gets genital and perianal warts?”

Dr:  “Oh I know, just ignore that.  It’ll work for your warts too.  You’re not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon, right?  Okay, great.  Yes, it will totally work.”

Okay, great!  My warts will go away!  But, I have to go to my trusty Target pharmacy and turn in this prescription.  This genital wart prescription for my non-genital warts.    

“Hi, Ms. Pharmacist.  This medicine is not for me.  No, see, it’s for my husband.  Well, I guess just double that medicine, because if he has it, I guess I’m getting it too.”

“Hi, Ms. Pharmacist.  Please ignore the label on this medicine.  It’s a typo.  It’s actually from the fountain of youth, a miracle face cream.  You should try some!”

“Hello, Ma’am.  I swear it’s not mine, it’s for my cat.”

“Hi, umm.  I’m actually a nanny for a 12 year old and SHE has the warts.  I know, seriously?  Can you believe it?  A 12 year old with genital warts.  What is this world coming to??” 

Or…I’ll just have my husband take it in for me.   

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Comments

  1. * Nate says:

    My wife,

    You make me laugh. I love that you are blogging again! You are so creative and you have a real gift in writing and talking about life. I love you!

    | Reply Posted 8 years, 4 months ago
  2. ha ha! perianal warts. that’s sick. My aunt is a surgical nurse and she likes to tell stories around the dinner table about lasering those suckers off. Good times.

    | Reply Posted 8 years, 3 months ago


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