adding sass to life

proof that my husband knows me…well

May 5, 2009

Set scene:

In the self check out line at the grocery store purchasing orange juice and chicken noodle soup for my sicky husband.

Nate:  Babe!  Did you see this?  Look it’s Jon and Kate Plus 8 on the front of US Weekly!  Jon’s with another woman!

Me: (as I’m scanning my items) WHAT?  No way!  That can’t be true!

Nate:  Well, it says it here and there are pictures too.  Here, buy it.  You know you want to read it.

Me:  No, I’m not spending $3.99 on that crap.

Nate:  It’s gonna bug you until you read it.  Just get it.

Me: (as I walk over to the magazine rack and begin reading the article)  No, I don’t need to read this gossip.  Oh my gosh!  He was with her at a club…!!

Nate:  Here, give it to me.  I’ll buy it for you.  You can’t stand here and read the 4 page article.

Me:  No.  I don’t want it.  

Me: (walking out of the store and into the car)  I should have bought it.

Nate: (rolling his eyes)  I told you!

Me:  No, it’s okay.  I’ll find it online.

*It’s not online, by the way*

The next day I went to the store JUST TO BUY THE MAGAZINE, but picked up a bottle of soda too just so I didn’t look like a total gossip addict.  Just a diet soda addict.

On the phone leaving the store.

Nate: Hi sweetie.  What are you doing?

Me: Oh just leaving the store.

Nate:  You went back just for the magazine, didn’t you?

Me:  I couldn’t help it!  I had a dream about it last night!  I had to know!  I couldn’t live today if I didn’t know what the article said!

Nate:  I told you that you should have bought it yesterday.  

Me:  Yea, yea.  


i should have been a cheerleader

May 4, 2009

Remember when you had your first boyfriend?  Maybe it was at age 13 or 15?  For me, I think I was 16.  Yes.  Late bloomer.  Whatever.  I didn’t get kissed until I was almost 17 and it was the worst kiss ever.  The kid drank milk and then ate cherry fruit candies and then kissed me. Disgusting.      

Anyways.  That’s not what this is about.

You know when you really liked that special someone and all you could think about after you got home from school or practice or rehersal was his phone call?  Hearing his voice.  Having that confirmation that he still cared.  That he didn’t start liking that skanky cheerleader that always flirted with him.  You’d wait in your room, holding the phone, staring at it. 

Please call.

Please please call.

You couldn’t do homework.  You couldn’t eat dinner.  You didn’t dare take a shower, because, WHAT IF YOU MISSED HIS CALL?  That would just be devastating.  You couldn’t even call a girl friend to talk to her about just how cute he was, or how it felt when he held your hand, or how he looked at you, because what if that made you miss his call?  So not worth it.  

Please call.

And then when it got later into the night he hadn’t called yet, you think.

“What if he lost my number?”

“What if my dad’s on the other line and didn’t answer when he called?”

“What if my dad answered and told him to never call again?”

“What if he does like that cheerleader?  Damn her.”

“What if my phone is dead?”

Well that’s what Friday was like for me.  Not about a boy this time though.  It was about a job.  A job that I had 6 interviews for. Over 10 hours of interviewing.  A job at a company that I really really wanted to work for.  Originally they were supposed to make their decision between me and one other girl on Tuesday but they called and said they wouldn’t come to a conclusion until Friday.  Oh my gosh.  3 more days?  Are you kidding me?  I can’t make it that long!  Well, I made it but Friday was literally TORTURE!  I couldn’t sleep.  Couldn’t eat.  Didn’t shower.  Didn’t talk on the phone.

Just waited.

And waited.  

And waited.

Every time the phone would ring I would freak.  I would start sweating.  Shaking.  Feeling nauseous.  Only to find out that it wasn’t the company.  

They didn’t call until 2:30.  2:30…are you kidding me?  Why not put me out of my misery at call me at 8:16?  Heck, I would have taken your call at 5:03.  

But at 2:30 they called.  All of that waiting.  All of those hours interviewing.  Over.  

I didn’t get the job.  

They picked the other girl.  She was probably a cheerleader.  


all in a night’s work

May 1, 2009

I don’t think I handle stress very well.  Instead of working out, having lunch with friends, doing yoga, you know, things that would be good and healthy for me, I sit paralyzed stewing over whatever is going on, I space out, I get a nervous stomach, lose my appetite for healthy food, but chocolate?  Watch out.  That always seems to settle my nausea.  The biggest way I think I deal with stress is in my dreams.  I wish every one of you could get into my head for one night, you all would think I had taken some major hallucinogenics before going to bed.  

All of this occurred in this head of mine, last night…

-My cat got stolen and I filed a missing persons report.  When the cops found out that Callie Jack was not a person, but indeed a cat they threatened to taser me.  

-Nate and I decided to go to Mexico.  Why?  To try to fight the swine flu, why else?  We wanted to go on a service project to help the Mexicans who were suffering.  We were on a bus with 25 others.  We crossed the boarder and then we were in some sketchy part of Tijuana or some other place just as wretched as that and the Mexican cartel attacked our bus.  We were trying to tell them that we were trying to help them and definitely did NOT have any drugs and I think that just pissed them off even more. They only let 9 of us go through and the rest of them were taken away naked, including Nate.  I woke myself up sobbing saying, “Let him go!  He only wanted to help.”

-Then, Nate miraculously appeared on a boat with me and we were watching our wedding DVD (which we don’t have) with everyone else who was on our bus to Mexico.  We realized that somebody had taped over it with a documentary about finding jobs (which I am currently doing) and I was fascinated by the information that I wasn’t even mad that our wedding had been erased.  Yea, that is SO not me.  But since I was on a boat and didn’t have any cell phone service I missed the call that said that I got the job that I have had 6 interviews for in real life.  Since I didn’t get the phone call they gave the job to somebody else.  Sucky.  

-Then I had a dream that I was pregnant and I had a kid that was probably at least 15 lbs.  (Mom, it was just a dream.  No fat grand babies for you!  Sorry!)  

You guys should get in my head for a night.  Seriously.

The End.  

birthday weekend

April 27, 2009

Since Saturday was my Golden Birthday-25 on the 25th, I have realized what it takes to have an absolutely fabulous birthday.  

Here they are ladies and gentlemen..

1.  Have your actual birthday on a weekend, Saturday is perfect.  I know this is a difficult maneuver, but try people it’s totally worth it.  Because, then, it’s called your “Birthday Weekend” not just your “Birthday”.  And if you have an awesome husband, he’ll encourage you to celebrate ALL WEEKEND LONG!

Take my man for example.  Over 6 weeks ago he planned a surprise birthday dinner for me Friday night to kick off my “birthday weekend”.

img_1700img_1704img_1707img_17022.  Have a fantastic birthday weekend canceled because you’re trying this new thing called a…I can’t even say it…ahh….a BUDGET.  AHHHH.  I’m not sure what it is or how to do it, but anyways, we are trying it.  We’re experimenting with not spending money that we don’t have to.  I am not sure if I like it, actually, that’s a lie, I don’t like it, but I know that it is necessary.  Anyways, we had this fantastic birthday weekend (see, there it is again…the WHOLE WEEKEND) planned in Santa Barbara but decided we would be mature and responsible adults and cancel it and save the money instead.  Bah, being an adult.  However, my husband wasn’t sure what to get me since the Santa Barbara trip was my present, so he took me on a little shopping spree.  Oh ladies, I got some great pieces that I am just dying to wear however, when 57 degrees out, I can’t pull them out for a few more weeks.  However, I did get something that I can use now.  HERBS!  I love cooking and I do use a lot of herbs but I hate spending $6 on organic herbs that are going to go bad before I can even use half of them so I got some of my own.


3.  Get lots of calls from friends and family wishing you “Happy Birthday”!

4.  Have a romantic dinner with your husband on your birthday evening.

img_1726img_17285.  Have in-laws that want to take you shopping and out to dinner on Sunday.

6.  Have friends that want to have a girls night out the following Friday after your birthday.  

Now, I’m detoxing, working out and dieting because of the past 3 days.  But, wow, it was fun.  Thank you to everyone who called, bought me presents, texted, came to celebrate, danced, ate, sang and showed me how much you loved me this weekend!

it’s for my elbow, i swear

April 22, 2009

This morning I went to the dermatologist because I found this funky looking mole on my scalp and instead of having panic attacks, nightmares, and daydreams of this mole eating my brain I decided to go get it checked out.  I have realized that I am somewhat of a hypochondriac, not clinically diagnosed but close.  The day after I found my mole and a friend told me that, “It looks bad, very bad,” I also realized that I felt dizzy, had a headache, felt nauseous and disoriented.  I thought I was doomed.  But a miracle happened today, when the Dr. told me that it was a little abnormal but nothing to worry about, I was cured!  The dizziness-gone.  Headache-gone.  Nausea-gone.  Hallelujah!  

While I was having the full body scan today, the Dr. noticed something that I am very embarrassed about.  

WARTS.  Bleck.  Gag.  Gross.  

I’ve had 2 on my elbow since my sophomore year of high school and I have done everything to remove them, except for cut them off myself.  I’ve had them frozen, I’ve had them sliced off, they’ve used a laser and those little suckers just keep on growing back.  I am sure you all wanted to know this nasty little secret about me.  

The Dr. told me that she had a cure for me.  What???  The second miracle of the day!  She proceeded to write me a prescription for me and handed me a sample of this magic cream.  

*Used  to treat genital and perianal warts in people 12 years or older*

Me:  “Ummm, excuse me, Dr. my warts aren’t in my lady area.  They are on my elbow.  And what 12 year old gets genital and perianal warts?”

Dr:  “Oh I know, just ignore that.  It’ll work for your warts too.  You’re not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon, right?  Okay, great.  Yes, it will totally work.”

Okay, great!  My warts will go away!  But, I have to go to my trusty Target pharmacy and turn in this prescription.  This genital wart prescription for my non-genital warts.    

“Hi, Ms. Pharmacist.  This medicine is not for me.  No, see, it’s for my husband.  Well, I guess just double that medicine, because if he has it, I guess I’m getting it too.”

“Hi, Ms. Pharmacist.  Please ignore the label on this medicine.  It’s a typo.  It’s actually from the fountain of youth, a miracle face cream.  You should try some!”

“Hello, Ma’am.  I swear it’s not mine, it’s for my cat.”

“Hi, umm.  I’m actually a nanny for a 12 year old and SHE has the warts.  I know, seriously?  Can you believe it?  A 12 year old with genital warts.  What is this world coming to??” 

Or…I’ll just have my husband take it in for me.   

when i grow up

April 21, 2009

What did you want to be when you grew up?  An actor?  A model?  A teacher?  A biologist?  A taxidermist?  Well, since you asked me, I wanted to be a garbage man, a stripper and a stay at home mom all wrapped up into one neat little package.  I had great reasons for job #1 and #3 but #2?  I have no idea.  Maybe because they make good tips?  But let me just tell you-if my dreams did come true I’d be one HOT garbage pickin’ up, strip dancin’, stay at home mom!  That’s for darn sure!

I remember being young and looking out one of our front windows watching the garbage truck come barreling up the hill and the totally awesome garbage man (while the truck was moving) would hang off the back of the truck, reach down with one hand, grab the trash can, swing it up, empty it and set it back down on the ground all in one swift motion.  It could have been an olympic sport, seriously.  It was incredible!  Who cares about the rotten milk, cat crap and dirty, moldy hair balls-you get to hang off the back of a truck!  Totally worth it!

As for being a stay at home mom?  Well my mom was one and I wanted to be like her.

I look at my life today, is it perfect?  No.  Do I wish that I loved what I did for a living?  Yes.  Is there stress?  Yes.  Do I cry?  Yes.  Can it be difficult?  Yes.  But, man, I am pretty gosh darn blessed.  I have a husband who loves me and thinks I’m hot stuff, a cat who sleeps on my face at night, a warm and beautiful home and the dreams of a family someday.  I’ve been able to travel the world with friends and loved ones, been places that people only dream of seeing.  I’ve seen relationships restored and hearts healed.  I’d take that any day over a strippin, garbage pickin’ stay at home mom.

deep sorrow

April 20, 2009

In the past week and a half I know or know of 7 people that have passed away.  It’s very difficult to even say people because people (to me) have lived full lives, lived out their dreams.  Babies haven’t done that.  4 out of these 7 were under the age of 2.  Only 2 were elderly-over the age of 80.  1 wasn’t even 50.  

The sadness in this world seems almost unbearable to me, so overwhelming, so scary and so unpredictable.  Has it always been this way or am I just getting older, therefore more aware of the tragedies of life?  Children’s lives being snatched away for unexplainable reasons.  A father of 2 and a young grandfather of 2 had his life ransacked by the microscopic killer-cancer.  It doesn’t seem fair.  It’s not fair.  

It’s these times that make me wish that I was still 7, playing innocently in the field with my neighbor and our dolls; thinking that the world was perfect and beautiful.  I don’t want to be in denial of the realities of this world and I don’t want to run and hide.  I just don’t want people that I know (even know of) to hurt and feel that gut-wrenching loss.  

My heart goes out to you all-those whose pain cannot be described as the word hurt-but anguish or suffering.  Maybe those words are not even strong enough for your reality right now.  My eyes have cried for all of you-those who I know, have seen, have spoken to and those whose words and text I have read on the internet.  May God be with all of your during your grief and loss.

happy happy special day

April 14, 2009

Happy Happy 19th Birthday to my lovely, beautiful and charming little sister, Courtney.  She totally takes after me, by the way.  



I don’t get spend a lot of time with my sister because of our schedules and the fact that we live 400 miles away from each other.  But I have seen her 6 out of the past 17 days, which I think is some kind of record for us.  

I think she is wiser than me, funnier than me, she has definitely kissed more boys than me, way more athletic than me, understands hurt and pain in a way I may never and tougher than me.  All of that packed into a 19 year old body, watch out.  

Here is an ode to you, my sister.  19 reasons why I love thee:

1.  You can belch almost as loud as I can.

2.  You are feisty and not at all afraid of peoples’ responses to you or how they take you.

3.  You are not easily intimidated.

4.  You have a deep love and enormous amount of grace for people.

5.  You had to deal with teachers in high school that hated me and unfortunately the curse may have been passed down because of me.  (No, Mrs. Y, I was not drunk on choir tour-I had the flu.  Thank you very much.  And by the way, thanks for cleaning my puke up off the floor XOXO)

6.  Your depth and creativity come alive in your writing.

7.  You find humor in life and love to laugh.

8.  You more than beat my high school “best times” in swimming.

9.  You would do almost anything for anyone.

10.  You don’t judge or jump to conclusions about people as quickly as others do.

11.  You have a different hair color and style almost every time I see you.

12.  You finally like skinny jeans and I was there to witness the first purchase.

13.  All of the memories of big hair, fluffy bows and matching ugly floral dresses.

14.  You defend the people you love.

15.  Your strong desire to be a nurse, help people and walk along side of them in their journey.

16.  You have friends all over the world.

17.  Your desire and passion for Africa.

18.  Your heart for children and orphans.

19.  You may be going to college 40 minutes from me!!!

I love you my sista.  Happy Birthday!

pap smear on a turbulent plane

April 8, 2009

I went to my absolute favorite place in the whole wide world today; the happiest place on earth….DISNEYLAND the dentist.  Sarcasm is not easily expressed through the internet, so incase you did not sense it, it’s there.  Trust me.  

I have never liked the dentist.  I can remember being 4 or 5 and considering jumping out of the door of our moving van as we made our way to hell the dentist’s office.  The smell, the big, white, blinding brightness of the smiles in the room, the lights, the teeth picks, the noise, oh the terrible noise attacking my open mouth.  Make it stop, please make it stop.  I am not sure where this fear or hatred or completely irrational feeling came from but I do know that my mother hates the dentist.  Maybe it’s genetic.  Yes, that’s it.  It is woven into my DNA and I cannot control it.  Sorry Dr. Chang, I cannot control how much I despise you.  Please get your sharp tools away from my mouth.  Thanks.      

Let me tell you a little secret.  I want to the gynecologist a week and a half ago.  You know when you go to the spa and you go all out?  You ask for the works.  A massage, a facial.  Yes, I’ll have a mani/pedi too.  Waxing?  Why not!  Sea weed wrap?  Of course!  Well, I got the works when I went to the lady doctor.  The spreading, the scraping, the feeling, the pulling, the pushing, the pressing, the pelvic exam, the internal ultrasound, the blood work.  Great deal!  And you know what?  I would rather do that 10 times over than a simple teeth cleaning.  I would actually rather have all of that happen while on a turbulent plane ride.  Just give me a glass of wine and a Xanax and I’ll be good to go.

where i’ve been

April 7, 2009

I wish that I had some adventurous stories of where I have been for the past 6 months…6 months really?  It’s been that long?  I guess so.  I would rather talk about the fact that Nate and I won the jackpot, a whopping $7.832 million, quit our jobs, left the country on our 90 foot yacht and ended up here.

tahiti-tikehau-lgAhh yes.  It was the life.  Living off of island cocktails and fresh lobster every single day.  Jealous?  You should be, it was pretty amazing.

Or maybe…

We packed up our lives in backpacks, including our cat, she had a leash, don’t worry, we didn’t put her in a backpack and trekked through the uncharted territories and wild jungles of South America.  No showers, no make up, no shopping for 6 months.  


But unfortunately neither of those are the truth.  The reality is a lot more boring, way more mundane and a lot less fun than sipping Pina Coladas and licking our buttery lobster covered fingers.  The truth is that I have been doing a lot of “self discovering”.  That sounds so new age, overly spiritual, and borderline sexual, but it’s true (not the sexual part).  I have realized a lot about myself that I have needed to learn, but have been avoiding for a very long time and I haven’t wanted to share with people, even those who are the closest to me.  

So here I am.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  The procrastinator, the avoider, the girl who is afraid to death of failure, the perfectionist, the dreamer, the anxious one, the one with goals, the one full of fear, the laugher and the crier.  Me.